Jeeezz..... Am I really blogging....
It’s time to take the Bravo jet down to a little city where the heat is on all night, on the beach, till the break of dawn. Bravo’s installment of America’s paradise, Miami, is back and more twisted than ever, and it’s only one episode in! Let’s recap, shall we?
First and foremost, if you’re an avid “Housewives” connoisseur like myself, you wait and wait for those cheesy intro taglines. While they're usually either a total hit or a total miss, one tagline in particular may leave you feeling sick to your stomach.
I want you to like me for who I pretend to be....wait...that wasn't anyone's tag line! My mistake! I thought the one with the fake hair piece should have used this one....moving on...
Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, let’s continue. This entire episode seems as if we’re establishing Team Lea vs. Team Adriana. Funny, I thought it was going to be Adrianna vs. Joanna 2.0. Silly commercials. (It felt like I was watching a video on old time MTV) So my interests switch, depending on moods or who pisses me off!
With that said, I loved Joanna last season, I thought she was gorgeous (obviously) but also had an amazing head on her shoulders. Fearless? Yes. A masochist? Of course. But, she was so interesting that you couldn’t help but like her. This season, however, Bravo is really capitalizing on the Joanna and Romain = Barbie and Ken thing. I’m not sure I’m digging it. Ok, I am....jelly.....
Alexia is a “Cuban doll who is back on the scene and living the dream.” The stunning Alexia was an original Miami housewife in Season 1 but downgraded her roll to that oh-so-fun “Friends of Housewives” roll when her son, Frankie, was involved in an August 2011 car crash that left him in critical condition. She dropped everything to help him through surgeries and recoveries, and we see Frankie this season after a lot of progress, but still not quite back to the way he was. He may never be that person again.
Alexia’s older son, Peter, was charged with hitting a homeless man in his “private area” last year and Alexia is blaming his actions on the stress he’s gone through with his brother’s accident. I kind of get it. Kind of. Let’s just say, I think Alexia is going to have the most relatable issues of the cast. Love you girl!
Lisa seems to have really missed her BFF Joanna and calls her out for not keeping in touch while she was working, to which Joanna refers to in her Housewife interview as “Lisa needing a job,” the same way she referred to Lisa in an interview I tweeted her yesterday! Eeeekkkkkk! It was bitch this and bitch that back and forth on twitter all day! My timeline was pretty interesting... Oh... Back to the story...
Lea Black — I’m still not sure how I feel about her 100 percent. Sometimes I love her, but I’m NOT sure I should. She’s definitely a tell-it-how-she-sees-it kinda gal but sometimes her vision seems skewed. Is it editing? Is it DEMENTIA? I don’t know. I love that little point thing she does on her tagline but I’m not sure who she is. All the girls say she is a manipulator and I can see that. But is it because this is what the Mean Girls want us to think? Or HATERS, as Lea said in her blog! (Lea, please utilize the urban dictionary! These ladies are NOT jealous of you!) Wait....didn't Lea's friend Frankie make a video mocking a sick Moma Elsa while Lea laughed...wait again.... Didn't Lea's friend Elaine send a disgusting attack tweet to Marysol last night... then deleted... Ok... But, enough about these people with an amazing moral compass... Let's move on to the mean girls...."ahem"
Who are the Mean Girls, you ask? The Mean Girls consist of Alexia, former cast members (and current “Friends of Housewives”) Marysol and Ana, and their Lindsay Loh- ahem, I mean newest recruit, Adriana. From what I gather, essentially, Lea paid Adriana to be her friend, as she always does with her bought friends, tweeters, etc....OK, OK. That’s not exactly what happened, but Lea and Adriana both agree that there was an exchange of currency during the friendship. And while that currency was Lea “helping a single mother get back on her two feet” by purchasing artwork and jewelry, Adriana seems to almost brush it off.
Why is any of this a big deal? Because as it turns out, Adriana has secretly been married for five years to her French love, and my Twiiter boyfriend, Frederic. Adriana explains that back in 2008, when she and Frederic first met, he proposed to her after a couple of weeks. I guess the French really are as passionate as I’ve heard? When Adriana told her son Alex about the upcoming nuptials, the 9-year-old freaked out and basically started what Adriana considers an up-hill battle until Frederic finally called the wedding off.
This is all well and good ... but the license had already went through and they were apparently legally married! Adriana says she didn’t feel married because she had not yet done so in the “eyes of God.” Listen, I get it. You don’t feel married because you have yet to experience the wedding, but you’re married, sister. She then says that people should stop digging. HELLO? You’re on a reality show! Of course people are going to dig!
Lisa tries to bring the girls together to let Adriana and Lea hash things out but Lea is a no show. Joanna and Adriana start going at it until Marysol drops the bomb that her mother, fan-fave Mama Elsa took an injury to the head and almost died. Just when you think Marysol is stealing a moment, you realize she’s being genuine (Love me some MP) and the first episode ends as Joanna makes a “cheers to sisterhood and to Elsa.”
Stay tuned- next week- the married chick and evil sister go at it!